By Jonathan Dube

NEW MILFORD -- SOME LOCAL TEEN-AGERS think suicide is so cool that they cut their wrists and show them off at school, bragging about how deep the cuts are.

Others, however, hide the cuts on their wrists. They wear long sleeves and walk around with heads down. For them, suicide isn't something to brag about.

The different attitudes illustrate a striking dichotomy in teen-agers' feelings about depression and suicide. Some teen-agers try to kill themselves because depression and suicide have become acceptable ways of dealing with adolescent problems. But others are seriously depressed and intensely desire to end their lives.

Interviews with more than three dozen local teen-agers, including five who have attempted suicide, revealed these conflicting attitudes, which have been highlighted by the recent rash of attempted suicides. Of the 10 local teen-age girls who attempted suicide between June 5 and June 19, several fall into each category, according to those interviewed.

Some tried to kill themselves because others were doing it, because they wanted the attention of their parents and their peers. Their reasons included being dumped by a boyfriend, getting into fights with friends and family, and proving a point to a friend.

The girls in this category generally did not come close to dying. One cut her wrists, but not seriously. Another simply drank herself sick. The others, however, made more serious attempts. At least two took enough aspirin or Tylenol to kill themselves and may suffer liver damage as a result.

Some of these girls have attempted suicide before, are seeing therapists and are on medication for depression. Depression for them is not a question of being cool. It's an illness.

Mental health experts describe the sudden increase in local suicide attempts as an adolescent trend. They say it has become acceptable among teen-agers to be depressed and turn to suicide as a way out. Simon Sobo, New Milford Hospital's chief of psychiatry, called this new attitude a "cultural phenomenon." But such opinions offend teen-agers who are seriously depressed, who feel their real problems are being overlooked.

"All these people were just generalizing it," said a 14-year-old who was in the eighth grade at Schaghticoke Middle School when she tried to kill herself in November. "It's making it sound like we're all shallow and we just need attention.

"I didn't try to kill myself because of some itty-bitty little problem," said the girl, who takes medication for depression. "It was because of my illnessÑmy depression."

Even more frustrating to girls like the 14-year-old is the cavalier attitude with which other teen-agers treat suicide.

"What these girls are doing is very stupid, because getting attention is no reason to die," said the 14-year-old, who requested anonymity. "Suicide is not cool."

Twelve-year-old Ivy Sailer, who has attempted suicide four times, said she knows at least 13 girls who have tried to kill themselves for attention.

"It makes me angry that they do it just for the attention, said Sailer, who has been in Danbury Hospital's psychiatric ward several times. "They don't appreciate what they have. It just gets me mad."

Based on the comments of teen-agers interviewed for this story, experts are on target when they describe an increasing number of adolescents attempting suicide because others do.

"Kids come to school and say, 'Last night I was going to commit suicide,' and then they make up some excuse," said Melissa Magee, 13, who will be in the eighth grade this fall. "The people who are doing it for attention do it because it's cool, and so that everyone will feel sorry for them. And if a friend does it, they'll do it too to be cool."

Several teen-agers described what they called "pill parties," at which girls throw all sorts of pills from medicine cabinets into a bowl and take turns swallowing them.

They also described a proliferation of teen-agers displaying cut wrists and bragging about them. "I think some of it is a fad, definitely," said Jennifer Uttmark, 16. "If these kids really wanted to kill themselves, at least one of them would have succeeded."

But no matter what the teen-agers' reasons, experts say no attempts should be taken lightly. "Even if their wish is to just gain attention, do you really want to not take this attempt seriously, and risk having them up the ante?" asked Richard Salwen, Danbury Hospital's director of child and adolescent psychiatry and chemical dependency services.

The 14-year-old wanted to succeed. She took 50 aspirin and ibuprofen pills in November. "I was really happy when I thought l was going to die," she said. 'Then I fell asleep, woke up and didn't die. It was quite a disappointment. "

Her parents are separating and she is treated as an "outcast" at school, where she is teased and called a "freak," she said. She baby-sits her two sisters while her mother works at night, but they tell her to "go away and kill herself." Most of her friends are depressed and suicidal, too. She is one of 15 suicidal girls who have an "understanding" that if one of them succeeds at suicide, the others will follow.

To combat her depression, each day she takes nine pills and attends four hours of therapy at the Adolescent Partial Hospitalization Program at Danbury Hospital.

"I'm learning to like myself a lot more now that I'm in therapy, but it's hard, because I don't like myself," she said. "What's there to like? Nobody likes me, I'm unwanted, I'm ugly, I'm fat.

"I'm not going to kill myself for shallow reasons. I'm going to kill myself because I don't like my life."

Ivy Sailer also wanted to kill herself because of low self-esteem. She would fight with her mother over petty things, but her mother has primary lateral sclerosis, a nervous system disease. As a result, her mother said she becomes crippled when she gets nervous or upset.

"I felt that every time I did something bad, it made her legs worse," she said.

Sailer first tried to kill herself in November, by overdosing on Tylenol.

"The first time I did it I thought my mom's life would be better because I cause her so much pain."

She tried cutting her wrists in March, after which she was taken to Danbury Hospital's psychiatric ward. There, she tried hanging herself with sheets but was caught. And after she was released, she tried jumping off a bridge; a friend stopped her.

Often she scratches herself deeply with her nails.

"When I scratch myself I want to hurt myself because if I don't hurt myself, I would end up hurting others," Sailer said. "When I get upset or angry, I end up taking it out on my friends or my mom, and I just end up hurting myself."

She has other problems. Her brother has cerebral palsy, her parents are separating and her father has hit her at times, she says.

"I don't really like myself," she said. "I'm fat, I'm ugly, I'm dumb."

Sailer, who is 5 feet tall and weighs 96 pounds, often makes herself throw up after meals. A pretty girl with shoulder-length dark hair, Sailer gets solid grades and speaks intelligently.

Yet, while no one but her brother tells her she's "fat," "ugly" and "dumb," she's convinced she's all three.

" 'Cause I am," she said. "I don't know why. I just know I am."

Sailer and her mother, Donna, agreed to talk to The News-Times because they want people to know that many of the girls who attempt suicide have serious problems. Ivy Sailer knows most of the 10 who attempted suicide last month. Two of her closest friends have tried to kill themselves several times recently, which infuriates her.

"It gets me so angry because I care about them so much," Ivy said. Her mother, sitting across the room, smiled.

"Now the shoe's on the other foot," Donna Sailer said. "I tell her now she knows how I feel."

Embarrassed, a flushed Ivy Sailer turned her head away. Then she looked up and admitted the pain her friends put her through has helped her get over her "obsession with dying."

"I don't think it's really worth it anymore," she said. "When I look at other kids, and some are being abused and some have alcoholic parents, I realize I'm lucky actually."

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