By Jonathan Dube

YOU'RE A TEEN-AGE GIRL AND LIFE STINKS. Your parents don't understand your problems, they just try to control you. Maybe you drink, take drugs and have sex, but nothing seems to quell the feeling of hopelessness.

And then, just when you think things can't get worse, they do. Your boyfriend dumps you for your best friend.

So what do you do?

You try killing yourself.

It may sound rash, but experts say more and more teen-agers are reacting that way to typical adolescent problems.

Mental health experts describe it as a new "cultural phenomenon." Suicide, or at least talking about suicide, has become an acceptable way of dealing with everyday teen-age troubles, from losing boyfriends to fights with parents.

In other words, experts say, suicide and depression have become "cool."

In the past three weeks, at least 10 teen-age girls in the New Milford area have unsuccessfully attempted to commit suicide. Several of those were part of a suicide pact made by 15 New Milford High School girls, all of whom vowed to kill themselves if any one of them did, according to Frederick Lohse, an emergency room doctor who treated five of the 10.

What's striking about these cases is that the girls were not suffering from long bouts of serious depression. They were simply using suicide as an escape from the ordinary stresses of being a teen-ager, according to Simon Sobo, New Milford Hospital's chief of psychiatry.

"These are kids with problems at home, or with their own identity, or their self-esteem," said Richard Salwen, the director of child and adolescent psychiatry and chemical dependency services at Danbury Hospital. "Very often they are depressed, they don't really see a happy future for themselves, and then suddenly their boyfriend leaves them or they get in a fight with their mother. They've thought of suicide before, but the decision to do so is impulsive."

Nowadays, talk of suicide among teen-agers has become almost commonplace. When young people talk about committing suicide, they do so casually, as if it were as normal as skipping class or not doing homework.

To illustrate how accepted suicide has become, Salwen described a conversation he overheard in the Danbury Hospital psychiatric ward when one teen-ager there called a friend: "Hey, I'm here in the psychiatric ward at Danbury Hospital. You ought to cut your wrists and come join me."

"Suicide is just not seen as something so intolerable, something that should have shame or embarrassment attached to it," Salwen said.

Experts attribute the increased acceptability of suicide to a shift in society's attitudes. Wild behavior, such as drug use and sexual promiscuity, are no longer seen as aberrant. Music lyrics continually romanticize such behaviors, including suicide.

And after teen-age idol Kurt Cobain, the lead singer of rock band Nirvana, shot himself in spring 1994, teen-agers began to see suicide as a legitimate escape from their troubles.

"It's not that these kids want to kill themselves because Kurt Cobain did," Salwen said. "But his doing it, and him being part of their culture, helped to make it more culturally acceptable."

Another factor is that parents have less control over their children now than they did in the past, according to Lorna Barrett, the director of Mental Health Services at New Milford Hospital. Many more children live in homes with only one parent, or where both parents work, leaving them unsupervised for longer periods of time.

And with their parents paying less attention to them, teen-agers naturally turn to their peers. And the more they see or hear about other teen-agers attempting to commit suicide to deal with similar problems, the more natural it seems.

In New Milford, for example, teen-agers have been talking about suicide, and hearing others talk about suicide, for weeks. Almost all of the 10 girls who attempted suicide either knew each other or knew of each other. And two of the 10, in fact, actually attempted to kill themselves because they wanted to show a suicidal friend what it would feel like to lose someone close.

Experts say it is not surprising to see a sudden spurt of attempted suicides among teen-agers who know one another. They described it as a snowball effect: the more people do it, the more others think it's OK.

"There's been a lot of talk about suicide," Sobo said. "And the more something is heard, the more ordinary it seems to become. And the more people do it, the more it becomes acceptable.

"We're not talking about normal depression, ' he said. "We're talking about a cultural phenomenon."

SIDEBAR: SUICIDE WARNING SIGNS By Jonathan Dube THE NEWS-TIMES What makes the sudden wave of teen-age attempted suicides so unsettling, experts say, is that the attempts stemmed not from deep-seated depression, but from ordinary teen-age problems. And with teen-agers increasingly turning to suicide to solve such problems, which may not seem ordinary to them, it is becoming more difficult to know whether a child needs serious help or is simply "growing up." Mental health experts say traditional adolescent difficulties may now be construed as warning signs of depression and potentially suicidal behavior. Such signs include a negative body image, low self-esteem, high anxiety and behavioral disorders -- problems most teen-agers combat at one time or another. "It's often hard to distinguish moodiness in adolescence from more severe problems," said Simon Sobo, New Milford Hospital's chief of psychiatry. There's no clear-cut answer as to what leads these teen-agers to want to commit suicide. There are no clear warning signs to look out for. And there's no easy way to prevent it. But, while not fool-proof, there are some things that can be done. In particular, parents should note any sudden changes in behavior, such as disrupted eating and sleeping habits, a sudden increase in violent or rebellious behavior, a withdrawal from friends and family, a lack of energy, attempts to run away from home, a sudden increase in alcohol or drug use, drops in school performance, a radical personality change and unusual neglect of appearance. In other words, most anything that seems out of the ordinary. There are some more obvious signs: a preoccupation with death the giving away of prized possessions and especially the overt expression of suicidal thoughts. Even if they're joking when they sigh and say, "Ugh, I hate my life, I feel like killing myself," they should be taken seriously. It probably means they've thought about it. It is also important to be aware of family history because depression has been proven to have a genetic component. Children whose parents or close relatives have fought depression are more likely to suffer it themselves. Any number of things can set off depression in a child. Pressures to conform in behavior -- from parents, teachers and peers -- can create tremendous amounts of stress for teen-agers. Pressure from peers to drink, do drugs, have sex and do other things to fit in can be especially stressful. It's no coincidence, Sobo said, that the sudden increase in suicide attempts came right around final exam time. The teen-agers' already stressful lives were likely exacerbated by pressure from the exams. Teen-agers also often feel they are being controlled by their parents and grow resentful. They want to feel independent. "These children feel they have no control over their lives, and committing suicide is a way of regaining that control," said Richard Salwen the director of child and adolescent psychiatry and chemical dependency services at Danbury Hospital. . Yet, experts say, the best solution is for parents to pay closer attention to their children's lives and improve communication. "I think the key is, one way or another, try to find a way to reconnect with them," Sobo said. "You can't just say, 'This is just a stage, they'll just grow out of it.' You have to communicate." But a fine line must be drawn. Teen-agers usually want independence from parents and may resent parents who "interfere" in their lives too much. Yet they also may be hurt if their parents ignore them entirely, even if they don't show it. And that hurt may cause more serious, permanent damage. So while the effort must be made, it must be done delicately. "There's a wish to be independent and grown up, but at the same time they have conflicting desires to be cared for," Salwen said. "Yeah they are going to react to some extent by feeling the parents are intruding, but they still want to know the parents are there, care about them and have expectations. If the kid is having problems and the parents ignore it, what's the message to the kid?"

Read the next article in the suicide series.

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